Sunday, February 11, 2007

Are you ready for Halloween 2?

Since absolutely nothing of any significance takes place in February, it's an ideal month for the re-celebration of Halloween. The perfect day for this would be the 14th, since it is exceptionally devoid of anything else worth your time.

Most people won't be well-prepared for trick-or-treaters or costume parties, but Halloween 2 is best enjoyed in the privacy of your own home, and can consist of any combination of three traditions:

1) Movie Violence

-The barest essential for acknowledging Halloween 2 is the viewing of any horror or "slasher" film, but the ten most ideal choices are as follows:

A Clockwork Orange


Herbert West: Reanimator

The Silence of the Lambs

Brain Dead (A.K.A Dead Alive)


Hellbound: Hellraiser II

Rosemary's Baby

It's Alive

Legend of the Overfiend

If no slasher films or any of the above are available, draw a picture of a person being stabbed and tape it to your television screen until the following morning.

2) Homemade Halloween Candy

-For mysterious reasons, there is a veritable glut of chocolate candy on the market during February. None of it, unfortunately, comes in Halloween shapes. This is why it is important to have Halloween candy molds available on short notice, and a fondue pot to melt down whatever bizarre chocolates are available this time of year.

3) Carving Something or Other

-Pumpkins are in short supply by February, and either way you don't want people thinking you were simply too lazy to clean up the Halloween decor. Any hollow object that can be carved and safely lit from the inside is acceptable for your Halloween 2 lantern, especially if it's one of the strangely-shaped candy boxes that start cropping up in stores towards the end of January. A standard-size flashlight can be used not only to light it, but to weigh it down on your front porch.

This should be considered the ideal means of celebrating Halloween 2, especially in populated areas where the public can see your creation.