Tuesday, December 21, 2010


If for whatever reason you've been down one of those spooky pink aisles at any toy department, you may have spotted Polly Pocket's "cutants." Polly Pocket is a toy line marketed exclusively to little girls, but her freaky new pals have an appeal that easily transcends such primitive distinctions...I'd have freaking loved these damn things when I was a weird little boy, and I love some of them even as a weird little man. You look at these and tell me with a straight face they aren't awesome:

You are looking at a shovel-clawed hermit crab with a bucket for a shell and a second crab that is also an entire sandcastle. This is the GOD DAMN cutest thing I've ever heard of in my life. Why aren't these also Pokemon?

A hat that is also a venomous, stinging fish. Hatray would be right at home with all those Dungeons and Dragons monsters that disguise themselves as clothing.

Isn't fishbowl fish just fascinatingly baffling? Why would you need the fishbowl at all when it's also the fish itself? Does Polly Pocket put normal fish in there? ...Maybe that's how it eats. Maybe it digests them. Oh my god.

Those conjoined headphone snails are as impractical as they are adorable. They would probably smear mucus all in your hair and ears, but would you really care? You have headphones that are also two snails. You're probably completely insane anyway.

Here we have "Snailana Split" and "Icecreamapillar," two squirmy invertebrates somehow composed of frozen desserts. I wonder if they have to be kept cold to avoid melting to death. I also wonder if they're actually edible in Polly's world.

The octopus submarine is a pretty awesome concept, I really should have thought of that myself.

The whale/wave is kind of strange, since it really just comes off as an ordinary whale in a wave, but anchor squid might be even cooler than submarine octopus...and it's cute that they packaged these obvious natural enemies together.

There are dozens more of these things, but I can't even find pictures of a quarter of them. I really hope they sell well, because there's so much more they can keep doing with these...like, say, branching out into a counterpart line for boys? It happens all the time, and even happened once before with Polly Pocket; her success with girls resulted in the amazing "Mighty Max" horror toys back in the 90's. Today, cell phone puppies...tomorrow, chainsaw cockroaches?


Anonymous Allen said...

It's bad that the weirdest thing I noticed about them isn't the bizarre animal/object hybrids, but the fact that they all have human eyes. Identical human eyes in fact.

8:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its like my childhood dream come true! If I saw them way back then, I would collect these so bad. Genderized marketing never looked so awesome, cos it appeals to both my love for unspeakably weird boy merchandise and the colorful pony-eyed girl merchandise loves both at once. I want a tatoo or a shirt with anchor squid!

1:24 PM  
Anonymous Saturn said...

Oh my god I had a million Polly pocket sets as a kid. Why didn't these exist back then, too?! BUCKET CRAB.

12:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If we'd had these when I was little, I would have treasured that ice-cream snail like no other toy...

5:31 PM  
Blogger Lee said...

Is it just me, or does it look like that Mermaid is passing gas?

8:54 PM  
Anonymous Tarazuma said...

As a little girl I wasn't exactly into either girly toys or "boy toys", well any toys depicting human males anyways, like GI Joe (blegh). I suppose all the toys I like would have been labled "boy toys" anyways even though they were all monsters and such >> Stupid gender stereotypes! I mean, even besides me, I knew other girls who preferred Mighty Max over Polly Pocket!

ANYWAYS! These mutants are amazing, easily better then anything offered by Mighty Max OR old Polly Pocket! I will totally buy these if I see them. I would have loved these when I was little even more then I do now! And now, I can finally say I have a weird monster toy that is technically a girl toy!

12:35 PM  

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